Hannah’s Weblog

I am finally alone again…….slightly dramatic I know, but whats new? After returning from India, I barely had time to breath before my boyfriend Robby came to visit me from California. Well two weeks have past and I am alone in my flat, perhaps for the first time. So now I have time to write……..but what I will write about I am still considering, my mind is ticking as I write. Due to the nature that I began this blog, as a travelling diary I have a Strong urge to continue documenting what I have been up to the past two weeks. So maybe I will begin with that. Robby and I were very busy, visiting various English cities, trying various English cuisines, and trying to make the most of our short time together……

I showed Robby-san around Bristol, parts of London, where we saw a West end show, a rugby match and stayed in a luxury hotel. Had dinner with Kim and Lewis in Oxford, and wandered the lanes of Brighton. My favourite time was probably spent at home though, enjoying the company of my two brothers and my mum, who has now left too…….Missing people is a strange feeling. A feeling I am not sure I will never get used too. Especially when the feelings are twisted and manipulated my the relationship you have with the person.  Leaving my mum at Cheltenham bus stand last Friday was an emotional experience. I felt mainly sad for her, not that I do not miss her incredibly, as I do, but as soon as life continues, shopping, our car running out of battery, planning the night ahead, the sadness leaves and my heart no longer weeps. I felt sad as I knew she was feeling so sad. But I also felt happy that she was returning to my dad, who I know has missed her being here.  I wander if you can build an inner strength that helps you deal with missing someone? Or maybe it is possible to learn to come to terms with being able to love someone and deal with missing them. Thinking about how I feel about missing my dad is almost another story. I have not seen him now in over four months and am not sure when I will see him next, and although if I stop and think about it, I could feel very solemn, on a day to day basis I do not feel sad. Is this because I know he is happy? maybe…maybe it is ingrained in us at birth that at some point we will be apart from our parents, whether it be living down the road, in a different city, or in fact another country. As my parents are now living 6000 miles from the UK, and my boyfriend lives in California I truly hope that my theory is true.

I said to Robby this morning  at the departure area of Heathrow airport that I was strong because I knew today was coming, I was sad and did not want him to leave, but I couldn’t help feeling happy and positive about our precious two weeks together. I suppose remaining strong for the people you love is an important factor. While I was in India, and experiencing for the first time about meditation, I was constantly trying to study how to live in the here and now. It was something repeated to us everyday by our Guru. Evidently as I have already found, it is very difficult to achieve this level of consciousness….. But considering it know, and thinking about the ways that I have overcome difficult situations, I can dare to say that I find thinking to the future is pretty helpful. Living for the here and now is sometimes painful, stressful and impossible for me. I find that thinking forward to something positive and exciting helps me deal with the case in hand. Whether it be exams, jumping 160 metres off a bridge, or facing a full day of work on a nasty hang over, I have found that thinking ahead to when it is over really helps. And this strategy definitely helped me through today. I was prepared for Robby leaving. I was prepared for Robby leaving a long time before he had even arrived here. I think I began preparing for today as soon as he told me he had booked his tickets, while I was in the gardens of an ancient tomb in Delhi. This preparations and forward thinking helped me enormously, and I am grateful for that. I tried to focus on the next time I will see him, what we will do and all the things we have to look forward to. And I got through it, tears, farewells, and a long drive home, it’s done.

Now I am left feeling a little void. Like I said this is the first time I have been alone in a long time. Travelling with Kim for three and a half months, then having Robby with me for two weeks, I am now left to my own devices…..goodness what will I do with myself? Write on my blog is one answer, begin studying for my course that starts in two weeks, plan for my trip to California? mmmm………

Maybe I will sit back, relax and try at least try to be here, take a moment to live in the here and now, heck! Its worth a try.